Early Years Of Anxiety

The earliest I can remember is when I was around five years old. I would always worry. My mind would make up stories or different scenarios that would likely not happen and then I would worry about them. I learned to just live with the feeling of worry. Along with that feeling came the OCD. I would flip the light switches on and off till I felt like it was enough or wash my hands over and over till they were so dry. When I would have these compulsive urges my mind would be saying, “if you don’t flip the light switch 5 more times something horrible will happen to your family.” As a little girl, I thought I was insane to think and feel these feelings. I would cry to myself and try to explain these feelings to my parents but I didn’t know how to. Every night I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I would absolutely dread going to bed and no it wasn’t because I wanted to watch more tv or play on my DS. It was because I didn’t feel good.

 I would go to my parents and tell them I didn’t feel good. And yes, this was EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I would get sick from not feeling good and have nightmares all the time. I would take tums to try to settle my belly and sometimes it would work. The tums were sort of a placebo effect or a comfort blanket. It made me think the tums would cure me even though it wasn’t sickness that was making me feel ill. It came to a point where my dad bought me a dreamcatcher to protect me from my bad dreams. 

I was so scared at night of being sick and getting nightmares that I would hide under all of my covers and have the smallest hole to breathe out of. I would surround myself with all my care bear and webkinz stuffed animals to protect me. I had to have all my stuffed animals a specific way or I couldn’t relax. My blankets had to be a certain way and no matter how hot I got under those covers they would stay over my head so I would feel protected. My parents would come check on me during the night and pull the covers off of me because I’d be sweating. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized that feeling of not feeling good was my anxiety every night. 

Teen Years….

As a teen, you go through so much change not only your body but your friends, likes, dislikes, relationships etc. Not only are you trying to navigate the changes your body is going through, you are also trying to fit into the new social groups in the school.  Alongside all those things, I was struggling to understand my mental health. My anxiety had skyrocketed. In my early years of school I tried so hard to make friends. It was so hard. My social awkwardness would completely take over. It came to a point where I would ask people if they wanted to be my friend. My mom would tell me not to ask people to be my friend but I didn’t have the communication skills to build friendships on my own. This would feed my anxiety even more.

In my comfort zone which was at home, I always had anxiety weighing me down. I had the same feelings and thoughts I had as a child going through my mind. “Why do I always have this feeling? Is there something wrong with me? Do other people feel this way?” I felt crazy. It scared me to even tell anyone about how I was feeling because I didn’t want my friends or family to think I was crazy. Anytime I was feeling happy or excited my mind would always find something to worry about. One minute I would be playing Animal Crossing Wild World on my DS the next minute I was so anxious that I didn’t want to play anymore. Hobbies or activities that brought me happiness would lead to worry. I felt like I couldn’t catch a break.  

My 20s

As I got older I learned more about anxiety disorders and how common they are. Social media definitely played a big role in helping me. In college, one of my majors was psychology. I loved it so much. The classes I was taking only scratched the surface of different disorders but it was very eye opening. Before I started my psychology classes many people told me that I would  learn so much about myself. It was true. 

At this time in my life I was a lot more focused on how to cope with my anxiety. I was going to therapy every week which was about a year before COVID 19 started. At age 21/22 I was officially diagnosed with GAD and OCD. Having an official diagnosis made me less hard on myself when it came to how I dealt with different situations. Some situations I would have a hard time with were big crowds, parties that involved people I didn’t know, new places, small spaces, and completing tasks. Situations that involved big crowds, new places with people I didn’t know or trust was one of my biggest fears. I would become very overstimulated and very irritable with people. I have been working on this but it is still so hard. 

After experiencing one of the most hardest events in my life in 2023, I had a very hard time traveling even if it was 40 minutes away. I would get panic attacks so bad that I would get very sick. I am still coping with this currently. 

These small pieces of stories are ones I will dive into more throughout my blog. I wanted to point out different stages of my life with anxiety to show how it can affect someone throughout all parts of their life. I will share all the ups and downs, the ugly, my strongest moments as well as my not so great ones. I want everyone to be able to understand what goes through an anxious introvert’s mind in many different situations to help spread awareness. 

Hope you come along for the journey!

Remember you are loved!

-Ken

Here is a post I created about different signs of anxiety. These signs can be different for everyone. These are common symptoms/ ones I have experienced. Hope this helps!